good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
