last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
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