allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
