Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
