i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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