I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
