Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
