She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize