I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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