On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
