I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
