I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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