i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
