I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
