...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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