just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
