so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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