you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
