every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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