my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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