Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
