the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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