I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
