Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
