you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
