did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
