someone get that fucking seahorse.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
birth control should be required to get into college
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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