I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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