There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my phone needs a breathalizer
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
