My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
