i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
