I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
