You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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