he thought i was a dude.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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