when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
