My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
