respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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