I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
