OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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