I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
