omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
