she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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