it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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