2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
