i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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