Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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