I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
should my penis look like a turkey
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
