I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
