i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
