You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
