the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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