So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
