There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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