I cannot find my penis.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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