i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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