so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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